LA River

The sun set over LA yesterday with its slide over the horizon being cat called by the ocean and desert alike. It rained the other night and the small trees and shrubs lodged in mounds of dirt and mud in the river, were bent towards their concrete beginnings as if the river in its desire to conquer with purity said “I know where you came from”.

This was all wrapped in the dry cleaning bags and amazon packaging of a few weeks of spending. New new new.

I used to know these artists that lived in a run down building, in a run down part of town, where every corner of the stairwell up to their place seemed to be broom piles of broken teeth and concrete. Sometimes I’d pop in to check on them and the apartment was littered with used condoms and drug bags, but sitting on the side table of their bed would be a glass of fresh made orange juice (smashed carcasses of oranges would be laying in their bed and floor alike) and, in my memory, a perfect ray of sunshine came in that once knew these oranges and talked with them about who wore which dress best.

I thought about this couple looking at the LA river, because both seemed sort of like the same scene: a mixture of things we want to hide and things we want to celebrate, but in our manic state we maybe just wash it away.

(Most people look at a fixer upper and think “burn it down”.)

I rode my bike along this scene and grinned, only to have my face stuffed with storm clouds of insects that come during this particular time of day at the river. 

Small bodies battered my face and I tried to remember exactly what it was I was thinking about.

on past father's days.

That Bolt bus. With an old Chinese woman singing some eastern version of Greensleeves. It was all the same notes I thought I knew from kindergarten Christmas talent shows, just more falling acoustic cliffs and quick raises between a mix of major and minor chords. It sounded good but strange like first loves; like a mom's melodies to kids that don't promise anything but just talk of a future; it was quiet but constant like the air conditioning. When we got off the bus I found her and thanked her. She was dismissive, "that was a pretty boring bus ride." 

Earlier in the day I had seen my dad for about one and a half hours; it was father's day. My sister and I helped unload things from his car (he had driven down in his truck with my mom; a few days of remodels ahead of him.) And we ate pb&j in their kitchen. Afterwards we went to a corner cafe for coffee and iced tea. I told my dad I loved him and that he was a good dad. He told me a sculpture I was working on had turned out well. I think part of getting older is seeing love in digressional conversation and no eye contact; large gaps can be like enclosed arms. Something where the boys that always persist in men are complete.

I can't help but think of what my possible, future children can become. Even in my laziness I have become something that my dad isn't, he who soars above in clouds not made of air or water.

He is a stone carving.
He is a shelter.
He is the beginning of my history.

what was all that?

The last year or so was obviously a blur. Everyone talks about it: blur, blur, blur. The lobes of my brain feel like the carcasses of frogs run over by tanks driving side-by-side to some far off artillery range.

I haven’t read anything in most of this time and I feel this is in direct connection to the feeling that art has left me; I’ll never make it again and, even worse, the ability to write about this lost lover also feels forever gone.

Then something happened today in the fog of a very fucked travel plan that extended a 10 hour trip to 41 hours: I casually started reading through some technical things, some interesting things, some things of pure fiction. What I stayed away from was the internet. And shows. And endless chumbuckets.

I can feel a small ribbit in my brain, and I wonder how easy it is to let culture be a school that only teaches something like mathematics by rote: forgetting the army of ones that make up a prime like 7.

If not approached carefully, YouTube will take all nuance out of my day.